A friend of mine knows what it feels like to have her trust shattered. Her husband had an affair, and it’s taken a decade of hard work to rebuild trust between them. To save their relationship, they put strict boundaries in place. They both have full access to each other’s phones and passwords at any time. They never eat alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Those guardrails have been very helpful, but my friend is quick to admit she wishes the trust in her marriage had never required rebuilding.
Every decision we make either builds or breaks trust with our spouses. Lack of trust between a husband and wife leads one or both to question the strength of the relationship. And when we lack trust, we also lack connection. So we must protect and prioritize trust in marriage. It is easy to lose and difficult to repair, so we need to choose what we do wisely. Here are 5 actions that will make your spouse lose trust in you.
1. Fibbing to Others
When you fib to someone, you subtly signal something important to your spouse—if you fib to others, how can your spouse know you won’t fib to him or her, too? Every time we lie, we break trust with someone, and long-lasting marriages are built on trust, among other things. Avoid breaking trust with your spouse by pledging to be honest with everyone. It can be hard, because sometimes a little white lie seems like the easier choice. But honesty must be paramount because maintaining integrity is impossible without it. Don’t fib to anyone.
2. Acting Differently Within Groups
If you act one way with coworkers, another way with friends, and differently with your wife, this is a red flag. Inconsistent behavior signals to your spouse that you are a chameleon, willing to do and say whatever it takes to fit in or appease others. This could make your spouse uneasy and unable to tell if you are being the real you or just playing a part. Commit to being the same person with everyone.
3. Wandering Eyes
Someone with wandering eyes looks at others lustfully. When we do that, we dehumanize the people we look at. It reduces their value in our minds, and frankly, we’re using them. It hurts our spouses, too. They can’t read our minds, but they can see our eyes and are hurt when they’re caught wandering. This rightly will cause our spouses to wonder who truly captures our interest. And it severs trust. Make sure your eyes are squarely on your spouse.
4. Lopsided Decision-Making
According to Pew Research, wives make the majority of impactful decisions at home. This is a problem. When one spouse makes the bulk of the choices, it can leave the other person feeling untrusted, as if his opinions or contributions don’t weigh the same. This power imbalance, perceived or real, erodes trust. Dr. John Gottman wrote, “When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Protect your marriage by making decisions together. It shows your spouse you value him or her, and that his or her needs and preferences are important to you.
5. A Lack of Transparency
Coming home late from work and getting defensive when your spouse asks where you were. Leaving the house without telling your spouse where you’re going. Keeping a few secrets from your spouse. All of these are great ways to cause your spouse not to trust you. Transparency is key in marriage. When you share a life with a person, that means you share all aspects of it. Don’t give your spouse a reason not to trust you by keeping him or her at a distance.
What else do people do that makes others lose trust in marriage? Share in a comment.
